Life Lessons Learned
from Kevin:
Here's a few things I've learned from life. Hope someone finds this useful:
Gratitude
As I look back on 63 years so far, I'm very grateful for my life experience. As you'll see in the following, there have been challenges and victories, pain and happiness. I guess most people have some mix of this. Over the past couple years, I've been tuning in on being conscious about gratitude. Pulling some words of wisdom from a smart writer probably sums up how I see it now, in much better words than I can create:
(Jantz) "The culture we live in bombards us with messages that we should have more, do more, and be more. Driven strongly by social media and advertisements, we're conditioned to believe that what we have isn't enough. That's a recipe for discontent, depression and despair. That's why it's so important to incorporate gratitude into our lives....every day throughout the year. ....gratitude fosters optimism, which strengthens hope. Whether your life includes serious difficulties or is relatively stable, the practice of giving thanks is sure to fortify and enrich your life. ....
Sometimes at the end of the day, if it's particularly stressful, I will try to think of 3 things I'm grateful for before going to bed. I'm never short of those.
Humility
I share all the following with due humility. I'm certainly not portraying myself as someone with all the answers. That said, perhaps there is a morsel or two below that would benefit other family members.
One of the greatest things I ever learned was to be about to say the phrase "I could be wrong". There was a time in my life when I thought I had all the answers. I'm thankful I learned this little phrase. I try to apply it whenever I can. Not perfect, but trying...
Love this snip from Annie Holmquist, a writer: "True wisdom comes from the overcoming of suffering and sin. All true wisdom is therefore touched with sadness. Thus, we're left with a choice. We can continue on as a member of the grievance culture, holding on to our fears and hurts and blaming others for our problems. But, those who do so remain fools, which is likely why so many in our culture seem to know and understand nothing."
Young Marriage/Parents
Seems like as of this writing and our recent election, a lot of the talk is about abortion. When my children's mother Vicky Self and I found out we were to be parents, at age 17 and 15, I can honestly say we never discussed that option.
There was a lot of pain that came with that decision - some of my life's toughest challenges/pain came from choosing to marry that young and into an incompatible situation, with very little time together to ensure we were compatible prior to marriage. Most of that pain came from the aftermath and it wasn't just us as parents, it was the children too.
But then I look at the family now. 2 children, 7 grandchildren, 5 spouses who joined the family, 4 great grandchildren, as of this writing. Many more coming I'm sure. I think of all the good they have done for the world and what will come. None of that would have happened without a 17 and a 15 year old deciding to NOT take the easy way out and instead, even though we were so inexperienced, start a family.
Both of us have taken a lot of criticism over the years from others who were never in the situation we were. That has been difficult, but I still feel like we did the right thing.
An unexpected benefit of this and a testament to leveraging lessons learned is that my children saw some of the struggles we had and were determined to not let them happen in their families. So, they've both improved their family situations due to this with their own children. Strangely, not sure if they would have gained the wisdom to be able to do this without experiencing some of the hard times with us.
Difficult Relationships
Well, I've had my share of difficult relationships over the years. Guessing most people do. Thought here I'd just share some of the best wisdom I've learned from the Bible and other wise folks, plus a bit of a case study on how important and destructive this can be.
John 8:7 - So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
Matthew 7:3 - And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Case Study that impacted thousands of good people: A few years ago, I had the privilege of being associated with possibly the best church the world. It had a huge membership, trained thousands of other church leaders worldwide, and brought many people into the believer family. The Leader of the church was an exceptional man, who I ranked as the #2 Christian leader in the world after Billy Graham.
Like the verses above, some of this Leader's proteges - people whose careers were created and nurtured by him - turned on him. It appears the Leader made a mistake with another woman after some trouble in his own marriage. The proteges worked with the Chicago Tribune, teaming with a writer who historically was anti-Christian, to "try him in the press". The Church Board and others got involved after he was already pretty much found guilty in the press and reinforced the narrative. With all of these religious people involved from the proteges to the Church Board, etc. there was no mention of forgiveness.
Fast forward a little, related to the "cast the first stone" concept above. One of the proteges ran his own church - turns out his LGBT child was molesting children in his Sunday School. disgusting. And, another protege whose biggest complaints were - he hugged me too long and he said my arms were nice, launched a new book featuring a picture of her with bare sleeves, presumably because she also thought her arms were nice. Speculating she needed positive reinforcement as she aged. So, these people had their own issues obviously, but chose to cast the stone at this Leader.
The saddest thing to come of all of this was that the church has pretty much been reduced by 75% in terms of attendance, influence in the world, etc. Thousands of members left and I'm guessing many are so disillusioned with the church now that they will never go to another church. The accusers might be happy because they achieved their objectives, but it's a horrible outcome for the overall Christian community. What if they would have given forgiveness a chance?
I've learned that there is nothing to be gained by my holding grudges to others who I feel have wronged me. I get no points in life for being mean or even passively aggressive to others. At the end of life, I don't think that it's anything to be proud of to make another person's life painful. So, I've learned to forgive and do the best I can given circumstances.
Overcoming Adversity
Sharing a couple stories where I've learned lessons that might benefit others:
Marriage/Divorce
- Had 2 of my best friends who I firmly believe were killed by inability to overcome marriage issues. 1 of them turned to alcohol and drank so much it fried his liver and it burst, killing him. The other also turned to alcohol and walked out in front of a Metra train in Chicago, committing suicide. In both cases, issues with their marriages including issues with children arising from marital problems were too much for them. So, it's obviously important to be able to overcome adversity in this area.
-I was a 17 Year old Dad with a 15 Year Old pregnant Wife. We did not take the easy way out. We chose to start a family. Due to our incompatibility (which we didn't have ample time to ID before we were pregnant), we did not get along and we ended up divorced. After divorce, we remained at odds over many things and as so often happens in divorce, this impacted the children. I went back to court to win custody, which was difficult but I thought it was necessary in the interest of the children. Once I had custody, being a single father was also a challenge in many ways. I was determined to leave my son in the same high school - BBCHS - his whole time, so when I got a job in Barrington, instead of moving, I chose a 180 mile commute instead - most difficult in winter. All of this came with financial challenges. I believe all this added up to a good deal of adversity to overcome.
Note: Focusing here on my perspective, but my ex-wife faced a lot of adversity too, which I will not detail here.
Unlike my friends, I was able to overcome it. I've had other challenges in life, but the preceding was the biggest by far so I thought it was the best to share lessons learned from.
Listing a few things that got my through this:
* Faith, through much of this I was connected with Willow Creek church in Chicago.
* Didn't give up
* Surrounded by good friends who gave good advice
* Stayed busy with positive things like work, school and triathlon
* On the occasions when I was able to see the children when they were young, tried to do fun things with them like the zoo, the museums, the parents farm and lake house.
* When the children got older, I've invested time to go see them even when we lived several states away during our time we lived in California. I met them for important occasions such as return from military in Alaska or at the Atlanta airport. I've been there in person for several of their birthdays, holidays, when new babies are born, etc. We acknowledge everyone's birthday each year. One big reason we moved from CA to TN was to be in position to see them more.
* And, when things get difficult, I try to stay the course and keep trying to improve the relationship.
* I try to not use the word "never". Even if I'm hurt or offended.
As difficult as this was, I don't believe I got close to where my friends were. I did not develop a serious alcohol problem and I never came close to thinking about suicide (which I was always taught was "against the rules" of Christianity).
Physical Adversity
I've had the opportunity in life to overcome some physical issues in particular with my legs.
When I was a kid, I shattered my knee cap chasing my brother up the steps. They put a full leg cast on and in my infinite wisdom, the next thing I did was play softball each day at the day care center my parents sent us to. That inflamed my good leg. I played basketball in school - was the only young kid wearing knee pads I think.
Then, during my time in the military, I stupidly played basketball in combat boots and broke my ankle. The military doctors, who were notorious for incompetence, told me that I needed surgery to fuse my ankle bone to my foot bone. So, I'd have a limp for the rest of my life - I was about 21 at this time - and would never run again. I refused the surgery. The Air Force gave me a very hard time because I didn't cooperate, which reinforced my desire to get out and into civilian life.
Once I got out, I sprained my ankle playing softball, sliding into 2nd base.
All these things left my legs in pretty bad shape. So I set out to do something to make a comeback and chose triathlons.
The training was brutal and I learned to do some of my running in the pool to keep the pressure off my legs on the trails. I had to do the training in addition to my work schedule which at times was 60-70 hours per week, school and personal life, so it was certainly a challenge. One of my proudest moments was crossing the finish line at my first Chicago triathlon (below).
Turns out it wasn't just the running portion that was a challenge. The swim, where you jump in Lake Michigan with 100 other swimmers at Oak Street Beach was intense. People kicking, side by side, like a school of Piranhas. But you had to survive being jostled and swim for 30-45 minutes amongst this, just to be able to get started on the 25 mile bike ride and 10K run.
I did 6 triathlons and an incredible amount of training to be in position to succeed with those. In addition, I did a lot of walking/biking/swimming not connected with triathlons, many miles.
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My Big Challenge Now - I'm Older but want to keep moving. All the mileage on my body appears to have taken a toll over the years. So, I've always tried to keep up a decent exercise program. We recently invested in a swim spa which I hope will be an enabler.
Plan to keep fighting - sing the mental strength I developed during the triathlon days as an enabler.
Product of your environment
There's a saying that "you are a reflection of your environment". I'm a believer in this and have benefited in many ways. Here's a few examples. Hopefully others can get some ideas from this list for places they would like to travel.
* Started out a Kankakee, IL guy. I'm afraid Kankakee was a "loser" town. Economically depressed despite it's proximity to Chicago. People don't usually advance there career wise. Best times in that area were when we lived outside town. Kankakee has struggled over the years. Not much opportunity there for careers and unfortunately crime and other mayhem has been on the rise. Thankfully, I kept advancing to a series of great places as follows.
* In the military, my first assignments were in Denver and New Mexico. There were several nice attractions in both area. At that time, I'd say I was most focused on job and family, so wasn't gleaning a lot of lessons learned yet.
* I had a chance to serve in Okinawa, Japan. Among other things, it taught me about other cultures and it also taught me about the horrors of war. Over 240,000 casualties! There's a documentary here if you're interested: Click here to see Okinawa Japan WW2 history
* Hawaii, multiple times (and Phillipines). Both of these are beautiful places.
They were also both fought for in WW2. Keeping that beauty and freedom came at a price.
Interestingly, the Philippines military base I stayed at was destroyed by a volcano years later, totally transforming that environment.
* Oakbrook (and NY) - a wealthy suburb of Chicago, much different than the Kankakee environment, where Xerox where I worked for 6 years, was located. Taught me the good things that hard working successful people can build into a community.
* Chicago - lived mostly in Lincoln Park and the far north Lakefront by Loyola campus. Chicago was a massive undertaking to build over the years with skyscrapers, parks, museums, etc. An exciting and stimulating environment to live in while I was in school and working while young. In recent years, crime in particular has risen a lot. I'm thankful for my time there being before that.
* Barrington - another nice Chicago suburb. Worked at Recon Optical (Aerial Reconnaissance Cameras and Sensors) The people who worked at Recon were patriots and genuine heroes, having contributed to national security since the early 1900s. I admired so many of those people Great environment to learn about service to our country.
* Business Travel in US - I traveled, representing several organizations over the years - Honeywell, Xerox, Information Resources, Fidelity National Information Service, HCA to name a few. I also traveled in my role for Project Management Institute Board of Directors. In short, these were some of the top cities in the USA, all with their own unique offerings. Learned a lot and this travel was funded by my employer. While I was there, I got to do several fun things in my off work time. What a great country.
- Washington DC - 25+ times
- Vegas - 20+ times
- Seattle -20+times
- Phoenix - 10 times
- Los Angeles - 10 times
- Ventura/Malibu - 10 times
- Rochester, NY - 10 times
- Minneapolis - 5 times
- St. Louis - 20 times
- New Orleans - 3 times
- San Francisco Bay Area - 40 times
- Reno - 5 times
- Honolulu, Savannah, Jacksonville, Kansas City - 1 time
* When Linda and I first got together, we lived in Walnut Creek, in the San Francisco Bay Area. We had lots of good times all over that area over several years. Things that shaped that environment, it was by the ocean and the Bay so there was a lot of great scenery. We got to go on several whale watching trips so we got to see their environment. I worked in Napa, so we spent a lot of time in beautiful Napa Valley. I also remember sitting on the banks of a river with several other people when they towed the mighty Battleship Iowa to a cove for it's retirement. Later in Los Angeles, I was able to stand on the deck of the Iowa. Experiences like that and visiting the Hornet in Oakland harbor were a reminder of all the service people who fought for our freedoms.
* For 10 years I worked for a client headquartered in Perth Australia. During this time, I was able to take approx. 10 trips, sometimes taking Linda with me, to Australia usually stopping at Sydney on the way to Perth. Enjoyed the environment created by the Australian people along with the rugged beauty of the landscape and the interesting animals like Koala, Wombats and Kangaroos.
* Europe. A side benefit of all the Business travel I list above - approx. 200 trips - is that I earned mileage and hotel points that Linda and I were able to use for personal travel. One of the trips we took, basically for free, was to Europe. The environment in England, Scotland and France was older than the US and quite interesting. My favorite places were Loch Ness, Robin Hood's Sherwood Forrest, Westminster Abbey, Edinburgh Castle, the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre Art Museum where the Mona Lisa is displayed.
* China. This environment gave me an appreciation for just how good we have it in the USA and what we don't want to become. We saw censorship, poor roads, poor food quality, massive pollution. corruption, mostly poor living conditions and several of the negative aspects of Communism. Our guide was afraid to talk about Mao, other than calling him the dear leader. Soldiers everywhere.
We were in China for Business first, which went OK but left a lot to be desired in terms of interaction with our Chinese counterparts. China does not have the same ethics rules we enjoy. On a positive note, we got to visit and hold pandas - a once in a lifetime opportunity.
One last thing we learned there is that there are no guarantees that wonderful places will always be there to visit. A horrendous earthquake (see video) hit Wolong Panda reserve soon after we visited.
* San Diego/SoCal are probably the best weather environment in the country. And, California has some of the best natural wonders like oceans, mountains, wildlife, etc. in the country. It's also the home of Aircraft Carriers. There are usually 2 in port at any one time. We saw the Ronald Reagan, the Nimitz, the Stennis, the Abraham Lincoln, and more during our time there. Nuclear Subs are based here too. So, the area is a large part of our national defense and enables our freedom.
When we lived in Carlsbad, there was an important factor that led to it being so wonderful. We had family there. Our Aunts and Uncles Guy, Elaine, Sam and Carol were so enjoyable to be around and we had many nice times. Made it feel more like home!
* Alaska is wild country, so beautiful. A unique environment. We went to Katmai and Brooks River, where 80 Bears roamed around on the same trails we walked on- no fences - and busied themselves with gorging on Salmon. We stayed in the forest once, had to walk a half mile with our bear spray for an outhouse through a wooded trail, where lots of grizzly bears lived. We went hiking once and ran into a couple moose on the trail. I also had the privilidge of getting to see Raptors take off from one of the military bases. I know they are protecting us in the US and really appreciate their contribution.
* We enjoy the environment in Brentwood/Nashville. We are fairly close to the children and grandchildren (a lot closer than California), the people here are nice, our state has a responsible government that does not have budget problems, we have history here that goes back to the 1700s and the area is thriving economically today. I've worked for HCA for 12 years here in Nashville and had a chance to meet lots of great people. I've also gotten to help out with hiring of transitioning veterans to HCA, thousands of them. I get a lot of satisfaction out of that because I believe these vets have earned the help and I love seeing them succeed.
Another thing we love about Nashville is the volunteer spirit and community helping others. Shortly after we arrived, there was a big flood. A lot of people suffered damage and thankfully the community came together to help including Nashville's robust musicians, singers and songwriters. We got a chance to go to this event:
* National Parks / Historical Locations - here are a few environments we visited over the years. In general, all of these shared natural beauty and divine creation.
- Yosemite
- Yellowstone
- Glacier
- Smoky Mountains
- Mt. Rainier
- Katmai
- Denali
- Monterey Bay / Carmel / Big Sur
- Grand Canyon
- Rocky Mountains
- Grand Teton
- Zion
- San Juan Islands, incl Orca island
- Sequoia
- Mt. Shasta
- Joshua Tree
- Pinnacles
- Niagra Falls
- Natchez Trace
- Shiloh, Franklin, Gettysburg, Carton Plantation, Manassas, and more Civil War sites
- Mount Vernon
- Mammoth Caves
- Florida Keys and Everglades
- Lake Geneva
- Wisconsin Dells
- Ozarks
- San Diego
- Ventura/Malibu
- Oahu, Kuwai, Maui
- Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
So glad I moved on from Kankakee to experience and learn from these wonderful places. All these environments have shaped me over the years. Side note - I've gotten into a habit of picking up rocks and sticks from these areas, then putting them around the house or inside. So, even today we're surrounded with little pieces of all these wonderful places.
Learning and Education
I graduated from Loyola with that degree. One of my professors said something I'll always remember - there's only 2 things they can't take away from you: your travel and your education.
That's true and I've been fortunate to have rich experiences in both areas.
I'm a firm believer in lifelong education, so I've continued to take challenging courses to try to better myself during my work career. I've been fortunate to work for employers who had robust opportunities in interesting and relevant areas. If you're interested in what I accomplished in this area, at the end of my resume, there's a list of the recent ones:
Click here to see resume, including video and photos
A Stable Life
- Have known a lot of people over the years - people who always seem to be in turmoil and people who are relatively drama free. Some people talk endlessly about being a victim and/or that their lot in life is predestined. I see myself as a survivor and self starter / overcomer, with stability being a key enabler. Hoping to share a few key lessons learned that might help have a stable life.
- I've learned that pretty much there's a rule of thumb that Drugs and Alcohol are Bad. Can't think of too many situations where they are a help to a relationship especially is their use if more than occasional. So, it works better to me to avoid them. Pretty much where we are is that when we open a bottle of wine, we have very small amounts for months until the bottle is gone. In other words, very light drinkers.
- We've been blessed with 2 great houses over the past 20 years, which has given us stability, while having great satisfaction. In Carlsbad, we lived in the best climate in the USA, we were a mile from the ocean and could see the mountains from our back yard. In Brentwood, we've got beautiful mature trees, lots of nature, a pool and almost 2 acres. Both places are located in areas where we have everything we need for shopping and entertainment. I'm happy we have not moved around a lot.
I've always found peace and comfort with nature. I really believe it calms me, reminds me of the beauty of creation and intelligent design, etc. We've been to so many awesome places all over the world with natural beauty - like Alaska, Yellowstone, Yosemite, San Juan islands, Loch Ness, Scottish Highlands, Smoky Mountains, Tahoe, all the oceans except the arctic and so many more. We've also been fortunate to see wonderful animals and interact with them - like pandas, whales, brown bears, koalas and wombats. We've had great pets and lots of wildlife in our Brentwood back yard in particular - Deer, Woodchucks, Rabbits, Chipmunks, Armadillos, Raccoons, Possums, and many wonderful bird species like Woodpeckers, Bluejays, Bluebirds, Goldfinches, Robins, Mockingbirds and Cardinals.
We also love gardening, although sometimes it seems we are doing it just to feed our local animals (which would be OK too I guess). There's just something about growing something on your own that gives peace and satisfaction. We get a lot of sweet potatoes, radishes, tomatoes, ocra, kale, carrots, parsley, basil, blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, cucumbers, peppers, squash, potatoes, and more.
- A great rule of thumb to really try hard to do: Don't go to bed angry
- Here's another that I struggled with, but which has proven to be so true
- You are who you hang around with. So true. If you hang around with solid people who lift you up, you benefit. If you hang around with troubled people that pull you down. Not saying you can't help someone who is down, but probably best that they are not your only friends.
- I've found that volunteering gives perspective - others have it rougher and do not have any amount of stability in their life. This gave me a much greater appreciation and thankfulness for what I have.
* I spent 4 years volunteering at a local clinic that provided alternatives to abortion (adoption? better prepare people to be parents, etc.), mainly teaching single mothers job skills such as how to make a resume, how to interview well, how to target the right type of job, etc. At times we had success and that was wonderful, but at times it was a constant struggle for the Mom. But, they all agreed the clinic was a great thing and were happy it was there.
* I spent 4 years coaching Flag Football and Basketball for kids from Nashville Housing Projects. Most of the kids were between 9-12 and were either Black or Hispanic. Some of them had very troubled environments at home. One had his Father killed in a drive by shooting during the season. Some didn't have good shoes and/or clothes. We had good years/teams and bad ones. Many of the kids were great little athletes. One season we were undefeated. The practices and games were held in dangerous neighborhoods. I, as a White guy, was the minority. I valued this experience for the perspective it provided.
Our Generations Role in Freedom
- feel bad at how we are leaving the country to our children and grandchildren
We had ample warning, as summed up nicely in this 1965 presentation from the Great Paul Harvey. Amazing how accurate this was.
Click here to listen to Paul Harvey
This 100 Year Old decorated Veteran hero sums up the way I see things today perfectly
Click here to hear from 100 year old veteran and patriot
I feel responsible, as part of a generation who let all these bad things happen on "our watch". When I look at my generation's accomplishments, it seems like we have done so little good compared to our predecessors.
My 2 cents on why we let this happen.
Bottom line - we have it too easy, no big war threats like WW2 so there's no national unity to a common cause. So many feel like they don't want to do anything to stop the evil because they'd rather not get involved or invest any effort. They are concerned only with themselves and figure it will be up to someone else to save the day.
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Think about some of the accomplishments of previous 8 generations. How does our generation stack up?
From late 1700s for 2 generations - Revolutionary War, Started a new Country, Formed a new Government, Crafted "Charter" documents like the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.
Mid-Late 1800s Generation - Civil War, Freed the Slaves
Late 1800s thru early 1900s Generation - Electricity Invented, Telephone Invented, The first automobiles and planes produced.
Early 1900s Generation - World War 1, Immigration Boom to the US in a Good Way
Early to Mid 1900s Generation - World War 2, TV invented
Late 1900s Generation - Major build out of the cities, skyscrapers, manufacturing industry
Late 1900s thru early 2000s Generation (ALL ON OUR GENERATION'S WATCH) - Technology items emerge, some positive, some foundation shaking enablers to our downfall. Is the world better for Twitter and Tik Tok for example, the Internet- 24 hour news cycle, the dominant role cell phone play in our lives now, censorship, etc. Also, Gulf Wars that perhaps did not need to be fought. The rise of organized terrorism from Al Queda and ISIS. Social Justice initiatives to demonize whites as 100% racist, demonize the church, destroy legacy of founding fathers, promote transvestites, implement Equity and Inclusion departments in all businesses.
One pattern that seems to have emerged is that our generation has less and less people willing to be active in trying to preserve our freedoms. There seem to be lots of people who sit on the sidelines. And, of those who sit on the sidelines, there seem to be a lot of critics of the people who are active. Teddy Roosevelt had a great quote related to this:
I'm very concerned about my children, grandchildren and future generations. I've been very fortunate to live in a free America, even with all it's issues. I hope that they have that opportunity, but it is looking bleak.
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